


It's not as bad as they say - if this is such a mistake, why does it seem to make you so damn happy?

by adarkercolour



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Big feelings, Boat Sex, Bottom Mac McDonald, Canon Gay Character, Canon-Typical Terribleness, Denial, Discussion of conversion therapy, Drinking to Cope, I have feelings, I want this to be funny but it got all feelingsy, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mac is a bottom fight me, Mac is a moron, Oral Fixation, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Possible dubcon but it's all consensual I promise, Recreational Drug Use, Religion, Spitroasting, Terrible Innuendo, Threesome - M/M/M, Very brief mention of parental abuse due to suspected homosexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:21:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adarkercolour/pseuds/adarkercolour
Summary: A.K.A. "The Only All-Male Threeway I Care For Is The Father, Son and Holy Spirit".In "The Gang Goes to Hell: Part One", Mac ends up realising he's gay after an encounter with David and Scott, a married couple from the new church he's joined.  According to the captioning in the show, this encounter lasts less than five minutes, however I think this was an error, and should have said like.. two hours and five minutes. Anyway, you know the story.This is my first ever fic and it's really long. I've added more notes at the end coz apparently I just can't shut up.





	It's not as bad as they say - if this is such a mistake, why does it seem to make you so damn happy?

Droplets of rainwater fly off Mac's outstretched arm as he hammers urgently at the wood panel door. He can hear movement from within the cabin, and raps again even louder.

"Guys! It's me, it's Mac," he practically yells, unable to keep the excitement from his voice. "I need to talk to you, now!"

The door swings open, revealing a confused David. His husband Scott hovers behind him, a look of mild annoyance on his face, but Mac is too geared up to pay any attention.

"Oh, my God, Mac. You're soaking wet. Are you okay?" David asks kindly, sounding genuinely concerned. He knew this guy was going to be interesting from the moment he turned up at bible study wearing a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and babbling about the Vietnamese.

Mac swallows and takes a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm himself. "Yeah I was out in the rain looking for a sign from God, " he rushes out, as if it's the most normal thing in the world to stand on the top deck of a cruise ship in the middle of a tropical storm and wait for a miracle to occur. "I never got the timing right, but doesn't matter. The point is, I thought I was here for you guys to open my mind. But now I realized I'm here to close yours!" He grins wide, eyes shining from the exhilaration of having apparently realized his calling.

Scott frowns, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Guys," Mac responds in a sing-song voice, "I'm here to convert you!" His smile remains just as broad, just as misjudged; as his eyes expectantly flick from Scott's face to David's and back again. "From being gay!"

"You want to convert us?" David asks, seeming puzzled.

 "Yeah!" Mac replies happily.

 _They'll get it in a minute,_ he thinks. _They'll be so grateful I'm here to save them from eternal damnation. I mean, who wouldn't be?_

"You realize how insulting that is?" David responds in that irritatingly self-assured, Christian way of expressing anger: calm, measured; without shouting or punching something or threatening to put your thumb through someone's eye... Mac feels like he'll never experience that level of inner peace, and it's starting to piss him off.

"How would you like it if I tried to convert you?" David continues, eyebrows raised.

 _Good luck, you are nowhere near my type_ flashes through Mac's mind, before he squashes it down and fixes David and Scott ( _much more my speed, he_ definitely _works out_ ) with a look of pure disdain.

"Uh... I wouldn't care. 'Cause that's, like, impossible. There's no way you guys could convert me to your lifestyle."

Scott rests his hand on his husband's shoulder and moves in behind him, leaning towards Mac slightly, where he still stands in the doorway. In comparison to David's mellow passivity, he appears almost threatening. "Let's give it a shot" he says, an edge to his tone that's halfway between bemused and predatory. His expression seems to be daring Mac to refuse, to pussy out and step down from what Mac is now considering to be a conversion-off. Pretty rich for David to whine about how insulting it is for him to come and save him from his evil homo ways, when his own husband is questioning Mac's integrity and ability to rise to a test of his faith. Now _that_ is something to take offense at. Mac McDonald may be a lot of things, but a challenge-forfeiter he is not, and he's _certainly_ not about to meekly submit to a couple of gays thankyouverymuch.

"Sure!" Mac responds brightly, "we can go head to head if you want. You're wasting your time trying to convert me or whatever, my mind is a steel trap; but if it means I get the chance to save your immortal souls then I'm all for it, fellas."

"Come on in then" David says, moving aside to allow their drenched guest past and into their room. "Do you want to change out of those clothes though? I think we have a robe lying around you can borrow..."

The door clicks shut behind the three men and the corridor is quiet. Only the soft hum of the ship's engine can be heard, and the distant rumble of thunder, eight decks above.

***

 

Mac peers at himself in the mirror above the sink in David and Scott’s tiny bathroom. Despite having rubbed the towel David had handed him with a “dry yourself off a bit before you sit down anywhere please” through his hair twice now, his fringe still hangs damp across his forehead and there are spidery rivulets of water slowly tracking down the back of his neck, gel long gone. It’s only a matter of time till he’s stuck with fluffy bed head, which he hates. It _so_ doesn’t jive with the carefully cultivated badass style everyone’s come to expect from him. He shrugs and gives his head another vigorous rub with the towel. Not much he can do about it right now.

Mac turns to the robe which David has also supplied, lying across the closed toilet lid where he left it. Space is at a premium in these ship cabins. He struggles to imagine how guys in the navy do it, beefy marines crushed into tiny living quarters for months on end, sharing bunks, not a single woman for hundreds of miles. Mac had briefly considered signing up to the marines when he graduated from high school and had no clue what he was doing with his life. ‘Marine’ had come right after his flirtation with joining the priesthood and just before he had decided to become a professional wrestler. Needless to say, none of these potential careers had worked out. Picturing himself trying to manoeuvre around this minute living space with tens of other guys though… He definitely made the right ( _wrong_ ) choice about the navy.

He needs to get back to the matter at hand, however. All things considered, he’s not sure about stripping down and hanging out with a couple of homos who are going to be coming at him both barrels with their gay agenda, but the thick toweling of the robe looks pretty inviting, and he’s starting to feel the chill of his soaked clothing penetrate through to his bones.

 _It’ll be fine!_ a voice tells him. _They’re both Christians, they’re not exactly going to hold you down and fuck you Mac… They might have some dubious ideas about the acceptability of homosexuality, but rape is most definitely a sin, no-one can dispute that…_

His mind made up, he peels off his wet tank top, while simultaneously toeing off his combat boots. His pants and socks follow, but the boxers remain ( _no need to tempt fate_ , he thinks), and he folds everything up neatly; sliding the soft white robe over his shoulders and double-knotting the belt around his waist. He feels a level of vulnerability he doesn’t like and realizes, weirdly, it’s due to his bare feet.  Boxers and robe – fine. Naked feet – bit too exposed.  What if he needs to roundhouse something?  He slips his boots back on, laces trailing, and heads back into the bedroom-cum-kitchen-cum-lounge that is David and Scott’s cabin.

“There he is!” David exclaims cheerfully, “Much better!” He’s sat, one leg crossed over the other, on an armchair at the furthest end of the cabin. Next to him is a smallish, but fairly deep-seated corner sofa which is pushed up against the wall, a low coffee table in front of it, upon which Scott is resting his feet from his position in the bend of the couch. David leans over and pats the area next to his husband. “Make yourself comfortable.”

Mac smiles, a little apprehensively, and perches on the spot David directed him to.

“Would you like some wine?” David asks him, getting up and walking over to the mini fridge hidden inside one of the low cabinets which line the opposite wall.

“Wine? Is it non-alcoholic? Coz if it is, no thanks, I just don’t see the point” Mac replies, his brow furrowed. “No-one drinks wine for the taste.”

“It’s alcoholic” Scott states, looking at his fingernails, “Get me a glass would you D?”

Mac is bewildered – “But it’s a dry cruise you guys! Won’t God be pissed that you brought wine to his no alcohol boat trip?” He pauses. “Did you just call him Dee?!”

David is busy pouring out two large glasses of white wine from a box in the fridge, leaving Scott to field Mac’s questions.

“God didn’t make the cruise dry Mac, the organizers did.  And we think it’s a bit puritanical.” Noticing Mac’s obvious further confusion at the word puritanical, he continues: “It kind of means we think it’s a bit boring and stick-up-the-ass. If you’ll pardon the term.”

David hands Scott a drink, smiling beatifically at him.

“And D is just what I call David.  It’s like a pet name, right?”

David places a hand softly against Scott’s cheek, before turning back to Mac – “So, would you like a glass, or…”

Mac grins, any previous apprehension seemingly gone. “Hell.. I mean heck yeah! Sorry, I didn’t mean to say hell then, it just kind of slipped out. Also, my best friend’s sister is called Dee so it just knocked me for six when you said that y’know? She’s the worst though. You’re a much better D.”

David lets out a small laugh and hands Mac the glass of wine he had originally poured for himself, returning to the box to get another. “Mac, honestly, you don’t have to apologize for cursing. We’re not like the Christians you might know from your past, all that fire and brimstone, and self-flagellation. We don’t believe God wants to punish us, we don’t own a cat o’nine tails. Handcuffs, maybe but that’s got nothing to do with church,” he turns back round, laughing at his own joke, and finds Mac is proffering his empty glass.

“Could I get another maybe, please?” he asks, not noticing as Scott mouths ‘ _he just downed it’_ as David shares a slight look of surprise with his husband.

David complies, not wanting to be a bad host, before he finally sits down again, having provided Mac a second large glass of Sauvignon, and clinking their glasses together with a quiet “cheers”. Mac has visibly relaxed since imbibing what probably amounts to a half bottle of 12% wine and being told he can cuss without fear of reprimand, and is now sat with his right arm across the backrest of the sofa, fingers softly drumming an offbeat rhythm while his left is propped against its arm, hand holding the stem of his glass delicately. Scott can’t help but run his gaze up Mac’s legs, taking in the strong calves and even more muscular thighs which can just about be seen below the hem of the robe. He glances up and locks eyes with his smirking husband, a wordless agreement passing between them to which Mac is completely oblivious as he takes in his surroundings.

“So, Mac,” David starts, “I don't think you know this, but I actually volunteer with homosexual people who have been through conversion therapy administered by religious groups. Kind of like a counselor I guess.”

Mac considers this for a moment, sipping his wine contemplatively. “Like… people who have been turned gay by religion? I’ve not heard of that before. You do end up exposed to a lot of pictures of half-naked Jesus though and he is kind of ripped... How does that work if _you’re_ gay though? How do you make them straight?"

“No, no.. these are people who are gay, they were in churches that weren’t accepting of that part of their lives, and so they were pressured into conversion therapy” David explains patiently. He can see Scott shaking his head at Mac’s apparent stupidity.  Scott had said he was a dummy from day one, but he was cute, so David didn’t mind so much.

“So they’re not gay anymore.  What’s the problem then?” Mac replies, his eyes on David’s.

David sighs, and looks down. If he catches Scott’s eye, he’ll laugh, and that’s not fair. “No. Mac. Conversion doesn’t work. If someone is gay, they’re gay, same as if someone’s straight. They might be able to push it down and bottle it up if they work very hard to do it, but that’s not healthy. It’s denying a natural, intrinsic part of your personality, and it can lead to a lot of very messed up feelings, and then that’s where I come in. I try to help them.” Mac is nodding slowly, seeming to have finally grasped the notion.

“Why are you going to try and convert me from being straight then?”

Scott makes a small snorting noise which he tries to turn into a cough.

“We’re not, not really… we just thought, we thought you were..” David isn’t sure how to convey the message ‘you’re a closet case and you might not have been through conversion therapy but the Catholics seem to have fucked you up anyway and you are living a lie and you’re not even good at it, plus Scott thinks you’re hot and kind of wants to fuck you and I _really_ want to watch that happen’ without it sounding insulting and also probably scaring Mac off completely. If he’s completely honest with himself, David isn’t so sure of the ethics of involving Mac in his and Scott’s sex life given that he himself volunteers to help people who have a messed-up view of their sexuality because of religion. But on the other hand, it’s not like Mac’s a ‘patient’, and his air of superiority over his perceived heterosexuality does need to be - not beaten out of him, coz that’s not good - but maybe fucked out of him. It’s not like they were going to force him to do anything he didn’t want to, after all.

David changes tack completely: "Why do you think being gay is a sin?"

"Bro, coz it's like, in the bible, obviously " Mac says. _I can't believe these bozos don't even know that,_ he thinks. _Surely that's like Christianity 101!? God hates homos and condoms and abortion, and anyone indulging in that shit is going straight to hell._ "Shit, if you had known that would you still have gotten married?" he looks worriedly from David to Scott. "Coz you can always get a divorce, God's not big on that either but I'm sure he'd prefer it to you being gay married and living in sin and all."

David ignores the second part of Mac's comment. "Where does it say that in the bible?"

Mac's expression is pure incredulity. "Erm, you ever hear of something called the ten commandments buddy? They're kind of a big deal."

David frowns. He's heard a lot of differing opinions over homosexuality and the Bible over the past couple decades since he came out, but people usually use Leviticus to support their gays equal hell theory. Never the ten commandments though, probably because it doesn't say anything in there about homosexuality, not even if you take a bigger leap than Neil Armstrong.

"What? No it doesn't?"

"It totally does!" Mac's getting a bit more worked up, and given his violent gesticulations, David is extremely glad that the wine being tossed around and threatening to spill over the rim of his glass is white.

"'You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his ass!?' Did you think that just meant you couldn't bang your actual neighbor?  Coz I almost made that mistake too honestly, but it turns out that in the bible neighbor means like, fellow Christian or fellow man. I guess it's like black guys calling each other brother or whatever... "

"Mac, what do you think 'covet' means?" Scott butts in, no longer trying to hide his amusement at the level of stupidity they’re facing.

"It's like an old timey word for plowing, you know so like you shouldn't be plowing another guy's wife, and you _definitely_ shouldn't be plowing another guy's ass." Mac punctuates each use of the word plow with an aggressive thrust of his arm.

"Oh my God" Scott says, putting his face in his hands. Even David can't stop a smile from breaking across his face.

"Covet means to yearn for something. It's basically saying don't wish for what isn't yours, be happy with what you've got. And it's not an _ass_ ass, it means a donkey. So no, the ten commandments don't forbid being gay. And you've just proved what we think is the problem with following the bible too closely: it was written thousands of years ago. A lot of the things it talks about and the way it says them, it's just not relevant to life today in the 21st Century. Things have changed! You know it talks about slavery like it's just 'one of those things' in there, right?"

Mac remembers Carmen and her dickhead soft-body husband reading that passage out at the gym, and feeling like a real asshole. He nods glumly.

"And quite often the words get misconstrued, " Scott adds.

"Don't feel down about it Mac, people have been fighting over the Bible for centuries and they always get bogged down in the stuff that doesn't matter." David continues. "To me and Scott, God is love, and compassion, and kindness. Being a Christian is about making the world, this amazing beautiful world that God gave to us, better. God doesn't care who you sleep with as long as you want it and your partner wants it and you don't hurt anybody. Why would he care? You think he hasn't got better things to do than check if Mac McDonald from South Philly is getting laid by a guy or a girl?"

Mac is uncharacteristically silent as he looks down into his now nearly empty wine glass and twists his fingers together nervously around its base. _They’re wrong, this new-age hippy church is full of shit, the songs and stuff are one thing, but you can’t mess around with calling sins not-sins all of a sudden. You can too stop being gay if you try hard enough, everyone has urges and fantasies and crushes on pro-baseball players, but you stuff it down and you put a cork in and you deny it and deny it and deny it._

David takes Mac’s glass from him. “Here, let me top you up.  It’s a lot to think about, I know.  I struggled myself.” He walks over to the counter and busies himself fixing drinks. “But coming out was such a huge weight off my mind. I felt like I was finally myself, y’know?”

 _No,_ Mac thinks bitterly, _I don’t know. I don’t even know who I_ am _to be myself._ He doesn’t like this line of conversation, it’s making him remember all the sleepless nights he has spent turning over in his mind what he wants from life, and what he is, what he could be, the things he’s done in the past that fill him with shame and regret and the absolute longing to just let go of all that bullshit completely. A lump starts to form in his throat. He gulps a mouthful of wine as soon as David hands him back his glass.

“I don’t know…” Mac starts, but his voice comes out small and hoarse and strained sounding. He clears his throat, and repeats, louder than necessary “I don’t know dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach as far as his eyes.

Scott rolls his eyes, but David feels for the guy, he really does. The atmosphere is suddenly tense, it feels like the air weighs about fifty pounds more than it did ten minutes ago, and Mac is staring at him like he’s waiting for something. That spark in his eyes from earlier has gone, leaving behind a resigned desperation that David thinks might be a plea for some sign of approval, and if not that, then at least to move away from this particular topic.

“Ooh, I’ve just remembered!” David exclaims suddenly. “Do you two feel like getting buzzed?”

Scott glances at Mac. “Do you think that’s such a good idea?”

“It’s only amyl” David says lightly; and Mac jerks his head towards Scott, eyes like saucers.

“Anal?” Mac half whispers, half shouts; like he can’t decide if he’s embarrassed or scandalized.

Scott gives a loud laugh as David explains. “AMMMyl” he says, emphasizing the ‘M’, “Amyl nitrite. Poppers.” He raises his eyebrows at Mac, surely he’s heard of poppers?

“Ah yeah poppers, yeah definitely” Mac responds straight away ( _anything to get me out of my head right now_ ). “Plus anything stronger if you’ve got it!” He says, with a forced sounding laugh. David stands up and goes to the other end of the living quarters where the bed is; and begins rifling through what looks like a toiletry bag. Mac is suddenly very aware of the quiet in the cabin, and even though David is only feet away, he’s nervous being sat semi-alone with Scott. “Last time I had poppers was when me and Charlie faked our deaths I think… yeah it probably was. Seem to remember wearing a wedding dress for some reason, but then again I was very concussed from driving into that wall so I might be wrong?” he garbles, hardly stopping for breath. “My dad was getting out of prison and me and Charlie thought he was going to come and kill us for talking to the parole board about him, but we figured he couldn’t kill us if he thought we were already dead…”

“Found them!” David announces, before re-joining Mac and Scott in the living area.  He holds out a small brown glass bottle to Mac. “That’s quite a story. We don’t have any wedding dresses lying around I’m afraid, I hope that’s not a problem?”

Mac is already unscrewing the top of the vial, and shaking his head with a laugh, “Nope, nope, that’s fine, happy in my robe guys, thanks.” He holds the amyl up to his left nostril, the right covered with his thumb, and takes a deep inhale; the strong solvent smell making his eyes water.  He quickly does the same with the opposite nostril as well, and then finally holds the bottle in front of his slightly parted lips and breathes in deeply through his mouth.

“Holy shit!” Mac exclaims loudly as the buzz hits him, before offering the bottle to Scott. Rather than take the amyl from him, Scott leans forward in his seat and lets Mac hold it in front of his face while he inhales, blue eyes fixed on Mac’s the whole time. Mac’s heart is pounding in his chest, and he feels vaguely dizzy. His face is getting warmer as the poppers take effect, and he lets out a quiet “oh, fuck” before drawing his hands back and turning to David. “Do you want some, D? They’re good dude.”

David nods and takes the liquid from him, before also taking a hit from the bottle. Mac is smiling again, dark eyes having regained a little of their sparkle.

“I feel so much better already,” he beams. “The only problem with poppers is they hardly last any time at all.  They feel awesome while they do though!”

Scott moves towards Mac on the sofa, his feet no longer on the table, and places his large hand on Mac’s arm, under the sleeve of the robe. “You know amyl increases your skin sensitivity?” he asks, moving his thumb back and forth almost imperceptibly, and causing goosebumps to break out across Mac’s shoulders.

“Ah, no I didn’t actually but I can kind of see what you mean” Mac says, sounding slightly breathless, his eyes fixed on Scott’s again.

“It’s why so many people use it when they’re fucking” Scott responds matter-of-factly, and Mac feels his stomach drop with ( _excitementarousalfucking_ anticipation _JesusChrist_ ) anxiety.

“Is… Is that so” he manages to say. He bites his lip and tears himself away from Scott to face David, who he is hoping hasn’t noticed the heated way he’s been looking at his husband. Judging by his expression however, David is actively into this whole exchange. _Men, fuck, we’re so weird_ Mac thinks, before he feels Scott grip his shoulder and start to pull the robe away from him, exposing his no longer rain-dampened skin. He moves to turn back again, but Scott is holding him firmly in place.  The guy’s got a good five inches on Mac in terms of height, and judging by what Mac had observed at the pool earlier in the day, he’s no stranger to the gym either. Mac raises his eyebrows, semi-shocked and questioning, but David just nonchalantly meets his gaze, his expression unreadable.

“Hey, hey,” Scott soothes, his voice low. He moves close behind Mac on the sofa, and when he speaks again, Mac jolts at how near he is to his ear. “I’m just going to give you a little bit of a shoulder massage, ok? You seem incredibly tense.” The top half of the robe now pulled down to the crooks of Mac’s elbows, Scott begins rubbing at the freckled skin below the nape of his neck with the knuckle of one hand while the other keeps him still.

 _I am kind of tense_ Mac thinks, his head starting to ache from the inhalants. _And that feels good. And it’s not gay coz it’s just a massage._ A second internal voice which sounds frighteningly like Dennis cuts across his mind suddenly: _that hard-on you’re rocking isn’t so hetero though, is it bro?_ Fucking traitorous brain. He shifts slightly, placing his hands carefully in his lap, hiding his similarly traitorous cock from Scott and David’s view. _It’s just a natural physical reaction to the muscle stimulation, that’s all it is. Scott said himself, it enhances your sensitivity._

“Mm that’s nice” Mac says, as Scott moves both thumbs in concentric circles over his shoulder blades. He shifts in David’s direction in order to offer Scott better access to his back, and moves his left leg up onto the seat of the sofa, combat boot carefully hanging off the edge so as not to get the fabric dirty.

“Scott is amazing with his hands,” David notes, smiling at Mac, who hums contentedly in response. “He’s even better with his mouth.”

Mac feels his cock twitch at the thought, and he hopes that his face doesn’t give away the betrayal his body is perpetrating below his waistband. It’s then that Scott starts moving a hand through Mac’s now fluffy hair, lightly scraping his fingernails over his scalp. It feels fucking incredible, and Mac can’t help but close his eyes and tip his head back slightly, leaning into Scott’s palm and exhaling heavily.

“You look really cute with your hair like that Mac, you should keep it that way,” David says conversationally, as if he isn’t watching his husband give a half naked younger guy a massage. Mac makes a noise of disagreement but doesn’t answer. He’s feeling nicely buzzed from the wine and poppers. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all.

He can feel breath on his neck as Scott’s fingers continue running through his dark hair. “Can I kiss you,” Scott whispers, so close Mac can practically feel his lips brushing his earlobe. He shivers, with any luck not noticeably enough that Scott or David pick up on it, and makes a hesitant ‘mm’ sound. “Please,” Scott adds, and Mac swears he feels the damp stroke of his tongue, soft enough that he can’t be certain.

Mac considers it, glancing at David through heavy lidded eyes. David nods at him, a small smile playing across his lips. "I guess so, if you want to, man. Do you need me to turn round or..."

Before he can finish his sentence, Scott is tracing gentle open-mouthed kisses from Mac's left ear and down his neck. His fingers grip Mac's biceps, not so tight that it hurts, but forceful enough to send the message that it could if he wanted it to. Mac's breath hitches in his throat as he feels teeth graze the juncture between his neck and shoulder, and he moves his head to expose himself further to Scott's mouth.

"I told you he was good" David says, a kind of pride in his voice. "Here, let me take that off you." He reaches forward over the arm of the sofa and removes the wine glass from Mac's hand, while Scott moves over to Mac's right ear and takes the lobe between his teeth before sucking lightly on it. Mac can't help the tiny noise he makes, and David has to say that there's something extremely satisfying about watching a guy who has been so outwardly homophobic turn to putty in his husband's hands. Satisfying and really, _really_ hot _._ It's not very often that Scott and David involve a third party in their fucking, but whenever they do, David finds it turns him on like nothing else to see Scott working them over. He especially likes being able to do a bit of directing: touch this, kiss there, suck that.. He supposes that makes him both a voyeur and a control freak, but that's a consideration for another time.

Scott has moved one hand down to Mac's thigh, and is rubbing his palm up and down slowly, edging closer to the hem of his boxers each time.

"Why don't you take that robe off, it looks like it's getting in the way," David suggests, and grins at Scott.

Mac, who has been sitting with his eyes closed and head thrown back while Scott carries out his oral assault, takes a couple of seconds to answer, and when he does his voice is slow and spacey. "Sure", he says, already untying the cord around his waist, "it is kind of warm in here". Scott helps him remove the offending article, before throwing it into the corner. David takes in the vision of Mac before him, shirtless and wearing only dark boxers and unlaced combat boots. Mac's started to lean back into Scott now, one arm over the back of the couch and the other angled behind him, his hand clutching Scott's hip as the taller man wraps the arm not currently petting Mac's thigh around his chest and continues to kiss his neck.

 _Oh holy fucking Jesus oh shit what are you doing man?_ the voice starts up in Mac's head. _People don't give massages with their lips and tongue, dude. God is probably watching you right now, and he is going to be so pissed. More pissed than dad when he found that copy of Playgirl under your mattress. With fucking Marky Mark on the cover no less. Tried all your bullshit excuses then as well didn't you, you stupid fuck, but dad saw right through it. The pages were stuck together you absolute moron. Fucking disgusting. And you thought the ass-kicking you got that day was bad, wait till you're living through that shit every day of your life while you're burning in hell..._

"Could I take another go at those poppers please guys?" Mac asks neither of his companions particularly, addressing the request instead to the ceiling of the cabin as his head lolls back onto Scott's shoulder. The desperation to silence the noise in his brain is palpable . _Numb it with alcohol, kill it with drugs_ he thinks, repeating it like a mantra. _Stuff it down with brown. No brown though... So, make it right with white?_ Mac smiles a little at the rhyme and makes a mental note to tell it to Dennis.

David hands the bottle to Mac, who after downing the dregs from the glass David had moved to the table a moment ago, inhales the amyl, taking twice the number of doses as he did last time. _Maybe this will kill some of those brain cells that are trying to destroy me_ he thinks as he completes the second round of hits from the little bottle. _All it's doing is making me want to bang Scott though... Ah, fuck it._

Mac drops the recapped bottle onto the table and leans back to the position he was in a few moments ago. This time however he reaches behind him to pull Scott nearer, and twists his head to kiss him hard on the mouth. Scott makes a surprised "hmph" at the suddenness of the movement, but as soon as he realises what's happening, he places a hand on Mac's cheek and rubs his thumb along the short stubble at his jawline. He licks Mac's bottom lip, and Mac opens his mouth in response. The angle is sort of awkward and Mac wishes he'd just faced Scott instead, but then Scott is kind of kneeling up on the sofa and leaning over him and sliding his tongue into Mac's mouth and Mac is moaning into it because he can't help himself. Scott kisses slow and sweetly, and Mac feels like he might go insane from wanting. He reaches up to run a hand through Scott's hair and Scott responds by biting Mac's bottom lip. It's so rare for Mac to get to be with someone like this. He's used to a guy fucking his mouth in the men's restrooms at the Rainbow, or a rushed hand job in the alley behind Paddy's, not languid kisses and gentle hands. Usually it's rough and hard and being pulled and pushed and getting the job done as quickly as possible before nightclub security finds them or some drunk asshole turns up looking for a quiet spot to take a piss.

"You are both so hot" David says suddenly, breaking the relative quiet of the cabin. Mac looks at him with what appears to be mild surprise - he had pretty much forgotten he was there. "Mac would look even better on his hands and knees though, wouldn't he Scott?"

Mac doesn't want to stop kissing Scott just yet, but Scott obviously has other ideas as he gently pushes at Mac's shoulders and encourages him forward on the couch. Mac moves on to his knees in the spot where he has been sitting, and settles onto the arm of the couch, resting on his elbows. David is still sitting in the chair nearby, and when Mac is in position he leans in and says lowly, "I promise, Scott will make this so good for you baby". A pang of _something_ makes Mac's heart clench at David calling him baby, but Mac is relieved that he is too distracted by David then kissing him on the lips for him to think about why. David kisses completely differently to his husband, hands gripping either side of Mac's face, kissing him deep and rough, tongue sliding against his and their teeth clicking together messily. David pulls off leaving Mac breathless, and Mac has to admit that while he's not what he would usually ( _find hot_ ) appreciate in the male form, his eyelashes are longer than he's ever seen on a guy and his skin is fucking perfect. He stares into David's dark eyes, but the other man is looking beyond him to his husband, and there's something there which Mac can't describe - all he knows is no-one has ever looked at him like that, but Jesus fucking Christ he wishes they would. He looks behind him just as Scott is placing a hand on each side of Mac's hips, and shuffling forward slightly so that Mac can feel his clothed dick against the curve of his ass. Scott starts to move against him and Mac can feel how hard he is. He is aware of how very under-dressed he is in just his boxers and boots, and he vaguely wonders if Scott will take any clothes off or if this will be it.

One of Scott's hands moves from Mac's hip, round to his cock where it hangs rather neglected so far between his legs. Scott's fingers ghost over the front of Mac's boxers and it takes all of Mac's willpower to not just thrust forward in an attempt to achieve some kind of friction or contact. He's rewarded by Scott squeezing him through his underwear, and Mac hisses. When he looks at David, he's smiling.

"Scott kind of likes teasing" he says, almost apologetically. Mac just groans in response as Scott moves his hand back and grips his hips as he grinds his erection into the cleft of Mac's ass.

"Do you want to get fucked, Mac? " David asks, quietly. Mac realizes that David is palming his own dick through his jeans as he watches Scott faux rawing him .

Mac doesn't answer, but does press back against Scott's crotch, his mouth agape. His cock is so hard he's worried to touch it because he thinks he'll come, and that would be mortifying, so he keeps his hands busy by gripping the couch arm, fingers white.

"I said", and David grabs Mac's chin now, pulling his face up till their eyes meet, "Do you want to get fucked? Do you want my husband to slide his cock into you while I watch, hmm?" David's voice sounds different somehow, rougher and lower pitched. "I think it would do you good, Mac. You can be yourself, even if it's just for a few minutes." With his hand under his chin and his face so close, Mac can't avoid eye contact with David. He wants to answer, wants to shout that he wants to be fucked until he can't walk, until Scott fills him with come, until he forgets his own name, until he forgets the conflict inside him. But he's never had to admit it so blatantly before, with actual words and with eyes watching him. Usually he communicates this kind of stuff with a look or a nod or coded language and every excuse in the book. Not like this.

"I'll give you one more chance, Mac. We don't want to do this if you're not into it" David says, and his eyes are kind and his tone says it'll all be OK. Mac feels Scott lean down and press a kiss to the skin just above his waistband.

Mac nods, and says quietly "Please" and "I'm sorry", and none of them are sure who he's apologizing to but David passes a pink plastic bottle of lube which he just pulled out of his pocket to Scott, who reaches over Mac for it.

Scott sits back onto his heels and pops the cap of the bottle open. Mac looks pretty good in this position - he has a great ass and he's actually quiet for once. The guy's a lot more attractive to Scott when he has his stupid mouth shut. He begins to pull the waistband of Mac's pants down, stopping when Mac turns to look at him. "Eyes forward McDonald" he states, adding a "Good boy" when his directions are followed without hesitation. He continues to pull Mac's boxers down, the smaller man jerking as the fabric brushes across the head of his dick. With them now pooled around his knees, Scott encourages Mac's legs apart as far as his boxers will allow, and he places a hand on his left ass cheek, his thumb brushing down into the cleft and lightly stroking over Mac's hole.

"This is going to be pretty cold I would think, OK?" Scott warns, and Mac mmhmms in reply before he feels a tingling wetness where Scott's thumb was a moment ago. The sensation's strange but not unpleasant exactly, and Scott must be really going to town with the amount of lube he's using coz Mac can feel it running down to his balls. He wonders if it will stain the couch cushions.

Mac's thoughts are interrupted by a pressure against his asshole as Scott pushes the tip of one finger against the tight ring of muscle. He makes it in to the first knuckle, and then pulls out again before he reinserts the same digit, a bit further this time. Mac looks up at David who is watching them, eyes shining, with his bottom lip bitten between his teeth.

"You're doing so good Mac," David says quietly as Scott keeps on pushing into him, curling his finger, and stroking inside him. Mac has done this enough to know the poppers are definitely helping to loosen him up, even though their effects are wearing off quickly. It's actually starting to feel quite good, and Mac can't help but push his hips back a bit in an effort to encourage Scott to continue.

"You ready for another one?" Scott asks, the hand not currently fucking Mac cupping his ass gently and squeezing.

"Oh yeah," Mac sighs. "Definitely, please."

David grins at him and strokes his cheek. As Scott removes the first digit and pushes two back in its place, David slides his thumb into Mac's open mouth, the pad rubbing against his teeth. Mac moans loudly from the burn of being stretched open, and begins sucking on David's thumb almost automatically. It feels like muscle memory at this point and he's not sure why but it seems to ground him in the moment when he's in danger of disassociating altogether. Scott is scissoring his fingers, stretching and flexing, and pretty soon his palm is pressed against Mac's ass, unable to push any further into him. Mac is swirling his tongue around David's thumb and hollowing his cheeks as he sucks on it in earnest. David breathes heavily as his watches them, his other hand now inside his jeans and unashamedly touching himself.

Mac pulls back from David's hand as Scott continues lazily pushing his fingers in and out of him. "I can take another one," he says.

"Fuck yeah you can," David semi-growls, lifting Mac's head while simultaneously leaning forward to kiss him hard on the mouth. He wants to swallow Mac's little whines and gasps as a third finger enters him, so he does, reveling in the way Mac seems helpless to do anything other than moan, jaw slack, against David's mouth as David slips his tongue inside and bites at his bottom lip.

Scott has one hand braced on Mac's shoulder as he moves the other with relatively little resistance now. The amyl was a good idea, he thinks. Mac would have been so tense without it they wouldn't have been able to do anything, and he decides he definitely needs to thank David later.

"Have you done this before Mac?" David asks, curiously.

Mac's mind flicks back to Trevor Taft and the red hot shame of Dennis showing a room full of strangers video footage of him getting dicked by that asshole. He remembers the first time he fucked himself with his fingers while jerking off thinking about Den, and how bad he'd felt afterwards; but then how days later he'd done it again, and then again, a vicious cycle of need and coming, followed by guilt and embarrassment. He felt like Dennis could sense what he'd been doing, somehow, like it was written across his face. He'd confessed in church, of course, each and every time, and he'd sworn that he wouldn't do it again, but it was like a drug; fucking himself lying on his back, or on his hands and knees, one time even in a toilet cubicle at Paddy's. He'd been edging himself for a while, when Den came in to find him and Mac had come as soon as he heard him say his name through the particle board wall. He had to try and say he'd eaten something bad and wasn't feeling too good and that's why he'd been in the bathrooms for a half hour occasionally making weird noises, but Dennis had looked at him with a mixture of suspicion and condescension that let Mac know he could see right through his bullshit. At that point he decided things were getting out of hand and so he'd tried to limit fingering to special occasions only, birthdays and that sort of thing, but when he was doing it because he'd read in the paper that it was National Beer Day and surely _that_ warranted a celebration of some kind; or because it was the anniversary of him having sex with Dennis' mom, coz that had been pretty amazing and he figured a good way to remember her, may she rest in peace; he had to face facts that he had a problem.

"No" Mac lies instantly. It's almost involuntary now.

"Don't lie to us" David responds, as Scott twists his fingers and hits something inside Mac which causes him to cry out, voice hoarse.

"I've done it a couple of times" ( _this week)_ he says quietly, "but only once with someone else".

"And was it good?" David continues, glancing at Scott as his husband thrusts softly against the hand against Mac's ass, causing his fingers to brush rhythmically inside him.

Mac is breathless, the three digits inside him no longer enough, he needs something bigger, broader, filling him up. "Yeah, it was good" he pants out, gritting his teeth and rolling his hips slightly, pushing back as Scott moves forward.

"This will be better, I guarantee it" David says confidently. "Are you ready for Scott's cock now Mac?"

Mac nods nervously 

"How about you take a hit of amyl? It'll help keep you from tensing up" David suggests, and picks up the little brown vial again. Mac is vaguely aware of the rustle of a condom wrapper from behind him, which normally he would protest, but given the circumstances he lets it slide.

Mac nods again and David says "Breathe out" as Scott grips his hip with one hand and lines his cock up with the other. Mac exhales shakily.

"OK, deep breath in" David instructs as he holds the poppers to Mac's mouth, and Mac complies as Scott pushes his cock into Mac's ass as deep as he can with one single thrust.

Mac's head starts to swim immediately and his heart is pounding in his chest. The sudden intrusion makes his eyes roll back and his mouth drop open into a silent "oh". "Fuck" he says, plaintively, and drops his head on to his forearms, which are folded on the arm of the couch. Behind him, Scott is acclimating himself to the tight dry heat enveloping him, and he pushes forward slowly until his hips are flush against Mac's ass.

"David, he is so fucking tight" Scott says to his husband, "Oh god, he feels amazing".

David smiles, jerking himself off slowly. He doesn't want to come too soon. "Are you going to fuck him then, baby? You need to show him what he's been missing all this time."

Scott grabs Mac's hips and encourages him to move his ass higher, giving him a better angle to begin fucking him at. Mac is involuntarily spasming around his cock, and Scott draws his hips back slowly. Mac feels himself stretch around the head of Scott's dick. It's wider than the shaft and he gets pulled back as a result, before Scott's pushing back in again. Scott must be a lot bigger than Trevor, because even with the amyl and lube and prep, there's a deep burn as he's stretched open. It's good though, like the pain you get after a work out, and he digs his teeth into his own arm to keep from making too much noise.

Scott has one hand resting on the base of Mac's spine, while the other is in his hair, pushing his head down and making the angle of his back even more extreme. Mac feels kind of vulnerable, face down and ass up, but he kind of likes it at the same time. He likes the idea of being exploited for someone else's pleasure, and he likes feeling used, because it reminds him of Dennis.

Scott is picking up the momentum a bit as Mac gets used to him being inside him, and he begins to thrust more shallowly, and at a quicker pace, watching his cock as it slides in and out of Mac. After a couple of minutes, he starts to get a bit too close to coming, so slows down again, looking at David with unfocused eyes.

"Are you OK Mac?" David asks, running his hand through Mac's hair. Mac doesn't answer, his only movement coming from the back and forth action of Scott fucking into him slow and deep. David grabs a handful of his hair and pulls his head up to check if he's OK. He looks ruined, face flushed and cheeks damp, a dark ring of teethmarks on his forearm where he has been biting down to stop himself from crying out. With nothing to muffle the noise now, he's whimpering each time Scott thrusts into him, the sound turning into a small high pitched whine when Scott's pelvis meets his ass and his cock impales him up to the hilt.

"Oh baby," David says soothingly, "You are taking that dick so well. You're a pro, Mac; you're so good." Mac smiles in spite of himself, looking at David with his eyes shining.

"Will you kiss me, please" Mac asks, needing to do something with his mouth, and David gladly complies, slipping the hand which had been in his pants out to pull Mac up towards him. Mac leans on his now extended arms, hands gripping the side of the couch and he thinks he might be dying from the overload of feeling he's subject to, Scott behind him, slowly fucking in and out, while David shoves his tongue into his mouth and pulls at his hair. He's moaning with each thrust now and it's kind of embarrassing. He tries to be quiet but it's difficult.

David can apparently tell he is holding back, and pulls away from him before saying "Don't be embarrassed Mac, we want to hear you. It's fucking hot. Fucking _scream_ if you need to." Mac wants to let go, he does, he's come so far to get to this point, but he just can't seem to allow himself.

"How about it I give you something to gag yourself with" David suggests suddenly, and Mac frowns, confused. "Muffle the sound a bit. Like, my dick, maybe?"

He stands up then, his belt already open and fly undone as a result of his previous jacking off. His dick is level with Mac's eyeline and clearly very erect, and Mac wonders if he can ever come back from being spitroasted by two guys before he decides he doesn't fucking care and that's a problem for post orgasmic gay panic Mac to deal with. Using one hand, he fumbles to get David's cock out of his jeans, which is more difficult than you would think when you’re on your knees getting banged with only one arm for balance.

Mac finally succeeds in his task and David helps line himself up with his mouth before sliding his dick between Mac's parted lips. Mac is resting on both hands again, meaning David is controlling how deep and how fast he goes. Looking at Scott, David has spent enough time doing this kind of thing with his husband to know from his expression that's he's trying real hard to stop himself from just jackhammering into Mac's ass at this point, and David needs to get things going quick. He grabs the hair at the nape of Mac's neck and pulls it back, causing Mac to gasp around his dick and look up at David as he sucks on the head, tonguing lightly at the slit. David isn't that big that Mac's going to choke on his cock, so he holds Mac's head in place and pushes in to see how far he can take it. Breathing heavily through his nose, Mac relaxes his throat and swallows around David. He tastes mildly salty and also of soap and Mac wants him to fuck his mouth as hard as he can while his husband deep dicks him doggy-style until they both fill him with come. Just the thought of it makes him moan loudly round David, the vibrations causing David's cock to twitch.

Scott's struggling to keep at a slow pace, and David can tell. "Just fuck him like you want to" David says to him, as if Mac isn't even there. "He can take it, look at him." As if in agreement, Mac grinds back onto Scott whilst simultaneously lapping at David's dick, before another thrust pushes him back onto it, the head hitting the back of his throat.

Scott shifts his weight, and places his right foot on the floor, giving him better leverage to pivot his hips into Mac. He starts off slowly, hands gripping Mac's hips and snapping his pelvis forward against Mac's with as much force as he can. Mac's being pushed further onto David's dick each time, and he starts to choke slightly, his eyes beginning to water as he sucks. David has his head thrown back now, and he's groaning at the suction and how warm and wet Mac's mouth feels. "Mac you are so good, so fucking good" he says, "You just love cock don't you, you can't help yourself and I'm going to come down your throat and you're going to swallow it all, every last fucking drop". He's rambling as he reaches his climax and he looks down to see Scott with a fist in Mac's hair, holding his head in place as David thrusts into his mouth and Scott pounds his ass, and David comes right then, his dick deep in Mac's throat.

Mac swallows around him, and David pulls back shakily before falling into the chair, breathing heavily. "Holy fuck" he says, half laughing. Mac's head has dropped down between his shoulders and Scott is really railing him now, the sound of his hips snapping hard against Mac loud, although not as loud as the keening noise Mac makes as Scott hits his prostate. Mac lifts his head, eyes shut tight and teeth gritted, as Scott fucks him as hard as he can.

Each thrust is punctuated by a breathy "fuck" from Mac, and David thinks he might be getting close judging by the way his fingers are gripping the fabric of the sofa. Mac opens his eyes and his pupils are wide. He stares at David as he continues getting fucked hard, his brows raised like he can't believe this is actually happening. He's licking his lips and swearing a blue streak and David decides he needs to kiss him again, so he leans forward and does it, tasting himself on Mac's tongue. Mac sucks desperately on David's bottom lip. Dennis has always said Mac has an oral fixation, and that it explained his propensity for deep-throating pens all over the apartment and talking so much shit. Breaking away from him, David sticks his thumb in Mac's mouth again, and he dutifully begins sucking at it.

"How can you not understand you're a born cocksucker, Mac?" David asks, and it sounds cruel, but he means it more like you would say the sky was blue or water was wet, not as an insult. "God or no god, sin or not, you like being fucked by men," he points out.

"Shut up" Mac manages to groan round David's thumb. He thought his dick had been hard before but this was ridiculous. He needs some contact to his penis or he's going to explode, but he's worried to move his own arms due to the fact he'll probably lose balance and faceplant into the arm of the couch. "Scott, touch me" he moans, kind of desperate and needy and it's difficult to form the words with David pressing down on his tongue with his thumb. Neediness is not a quality he likes in himself, but it gets the job done because Scott is wrapping a hand round his cock and thrusting into his prostate again two, three times as Mac makes a high pitched whine in the back of his throat and comes so hard that he thinks he goes blind for a minute but he's probably just being melodramatic, and Scott continues to fuck him through the aftershocks until he tightens up so much that Scott can't actually move inside him any more and he has to pull out.

Mac flops back on to the sofa, boxers still round his knees, sitting right in the stickiness of his own come, but he is too blissed out to care. He's vaguely aware of Scott, who apparently didn't even bother to take his pants off before fucking him because they're still on, pulled down just enough to allow room for him to have freed his dick and done what needed to be done, as he's standing over him. He's pulling the condom off and throwing it behind him onto the floor, which makes Mac wrinkle his nose in disgust, but then Scott is placing his left foot next to him on the seat of the couch and leaning over him with one hand on the backrest while the other is jacking his dick, and Mac nods at the words "I'm going to come on your face, OK?" and his eyes are closed but his mouth is open, tongue out and ready as he feels wetness hit him in the cheek and some in his mouth as he listens to the noise of Scott jerking himself off and the grunt he makes as he comes and then nothing.

"Jesus Christ" Mac says, wiping come off his cheek. Without the distraction of a dick in his ass his mind is working on overdrive. _OK dude, that was gay. There's no other way to swing that one. It was 100% G-A-Y. And it was good oh God it was so good... Normally you'd be denouncing it as experimentation or wrestling or a gay jedi mind trick having bested you, but you wanted that and you can't deny it. But you can't be a gay Christian. That would be like a bank manager who's a chick, or a quarterback who's a chick, or like... Something else that just cannot or should not exist. And you know what that means don't you..._

Mac gasps quietly as the realization hits him, and Scott and David both look at him. "You guys, you did it. You've changed my life. You've taught me something I should have known years ago."

David starts to smile and is about to rhapsodize about the psychological benefits of being yourself but keeping your faith, when he's interrupted by Mac.

"There is no God!" Mac laughs, semi-maniacally. "Why did I never listen to Dennis. Of _course_ there's no God!" He stands and pulls up his boxers in one quick movement, before hurriedly rushing to the bathroom to get his now marginally drier clothes.

Scott and David exchange a glance as they hear Mac bustling around before emerging from the bathroom clothed once more. He's grinning at both of them and David is concerned he may have finally snapped.

"What? Mac, are you really going to just throw your whole belief system away like that?" David asks.

"Yep!" Mac grins. "I mean, what we did, that was super gay. So I guess I _am_ gay. And if there was a God, there's no way he would make me a homo. So...." he trails off with a flourish of his hands as if expecting them to finish his thought and perhaps even realize The Truth.

"So you think there's no God because God wouldn't have made you gay, " Scott says. He's not surprised by this revelation on Mac's part. He's not sure the man's ever had a logical thought in his life.

"Correct" Mac says, clapping his hands together. "So thanks fellas I suppose you kind of did convert me didn't you, maybe not how you expected though!" He heads to the door.

"Where are you going?" David says, sounding concerned.

"To find the gang and tell them the news obviously!" Mac laughs again, and he leaves, the door shutting behind him with a click.

"What a weirdo" Scott says, as he zips his pants back up and rescues the poppers from the carpeted floor where they'd fallen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that was so long! If my tags are wrong please say coz I'm new to this and I wouldn't want to upset anyone.
> 
> This is unbeta-ed so please let me know if you spot any mistakes or if it makes no sense or the tenses change, I haven't written a piece of fiction probably since University which was a long time ago. Hope it wasn't too cringe.
> 
> I am very lonely over on Tumblr so please come and say hi over there, my username is brownwithafrown, we can argue about IASIP relationship dynamics.
> 
> Title is a lyric from Rules Don't Stop Me by We Are Scientists. 
> 
> Some additional things: because I'm a dork, I tried to make sure spellings / terminology were all American, so if anything too British sounding is in there please let me know.  
> Scott and David are I assume named after Scott Marder and David Hornsby, who wrote this episode.  
> Mac in a dressing gown and combat boots is an aesthetic I have been loving since "Spies Like U.S."  
> Poppers are actually horrible.  
> Marky Mark Wahlberg is a terrible person, but was on the front of Playgirl magazine in 1993. I think Mac stole his copy from Dee.


End file.
